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The Qibbler's Guide to Surviving the Rising
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zombiefest_mod wrote in hp_zombiefest
Author: slumber
Title: The Quibbler's Guide to Surviving the Rising
Character: Xenophilius Lovegood
Rating: G
Word Count: ~1500
Warning(s): none
Prompt: none
Summary: No one can say they were never warned.
Author's Note: I finished my first zombie story early but the plot bunnies kept calling for brainsss knocking. Here's a fictional non-fiction article straight from the pages of The Quibbler. :P Hope you enjoy, and thanks to the lovely deirdre_aithne for running this fest!




The Quibbler's Guide to Surviving the Rising
by Xenophilius Lovegood


Perhaps the years of peace have fooled you.

Perhaps the silence has lulled you into a fall sense of complacency.

Or perhaps you have simply remained unaware.

Nevertheless, danger lurks, ever present amongst us. We may not know the full extent to which our lives are in peril -- the Ministry of Magic have certainly done their part in ensuring we are kept ignorant -- but we at The Quibbler have always sworn to abide by the truth, no matter who decides to keep them from us.

And there is plenty that you must be aware of. Oh, you think now the danger has passed. You think now, with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named defeated, that you are safe. But you would be grievously mistaken, and I cannot even begin to emphasize the cost of that foolish belief.

Deep in the bowels of the Department of Mysteries, in files hidden by the most elite of the Unspeakables, you'll find the truth about the Inferi. The Ministry has been conducting what they like to call "research" on captured Inferi, using unwilling test subjects to determine what kind of dark creatures emerge when the Inferi attack living, breathing wizards. You will remember that, when he was their lord, You-Know-Who had commanded them to kill, but there are few documented cases detailing what happened to those that survived an Inferi's attack.

The tragedy in their fates is that death would have been kinder.

Even Muggles are well aware of these creatures, and while they have been led to think the un-Inferi are mere figments of their imagination, they are at least armed with a semblance of knowledge about the threat these creatures pose.

Not so for our kind. While the Muggles have even named these creatures -- zombies, they call them -- we remain ignorant. Worse, we are equipped with false information, and should these so-called zombies rise (and make no mistake, they will rise faster than a dark lord can summon Inferi from their graves) we would fall victim to our own misconceptions.

  1. Know the difference.

    There are a few key differences between the two creatures that you must be able to spot, primary of which is the extent of decomposition. Inferi are raised from the graves, whilst zombies are newly Turned. Inferi are made of rotting flesh and bones; zombies have only just begun. In terms of dangers posed, both Inferi and zombies can Turn their victims into zombies, but Inferi are more easily battled.

    You must target a zombie's head, and take care that what bodily fluids they have left do not touch any open wounds you may have, or other openings in your body. Blood is the fastest method of transfusion, and Turning then becomes inevitable.

    There is no cure either, and the speed of Turning may vary, but once you are aware of someone who has been Turned, then for Merlin's sake, run away. There is no cure. There is no treatment. There will be nothing left of them in the zombie that now wishes to hunt you. You cannot let sentimentality rule your head.
  2. Wands are useless (for fighting or fleeing).

    Inferi are threatening in their own right, but a skilled enough wizard has a variety of fire-casting spells in his arsenal. The problem is in attacking zombies as though they were Inferi. You will need to defeat zombies by decapitating them, and not all wands are equipped to do such damage.

    I do not recommend attempting to battle these zombies, but self-defense will be necessary at some point, and if you must, then at least be sure to practice with a blade -- perhaps a broadsword. It is long enough and wide enough, and with the right amount of force applied, it will be just what you need. If you only need to incapacitate for a short while before making your escape, then be sure to target the legs.

    But do take heed: Beware of the blood that you spill, and take care not to get it on you.
  3. Protect yourself from open wounds.

    As I have already mentioned, do not leave your skin bare when the time of the undead arrives. They will only be too happy to infect us with scratches and bites, and this is the fastest way they can Turn us into one of them.

    If by chance you happen to cut yourself on your own, you must immediately wrap the wound and make sure it is not exposed to the elements. There is a risk that, even if you manage to emerge unscathed from an encounter with the zombies, the fluids they spill could come into contact with your wound and slip into your bloodstream regardless.
  4. Use brooms to travel. Don't Apparate anywhere.

    Our first instinct as wizards, when faced with danger, is to Apparate away as soon as we can. Unfortunately, this is a habit we must work to curtail, for it presents us with the risk of fleeing from one place only to arrive at another location that has already been infested.

    You must always know where you are going. You must always see where you are headed. It might be impractical for some who have never taken to the skies, but flying on broomstick is absolutely imperative for those seeking escape. Zombies and Inferi are both unable to master their locomotive functions well enough to even attempt to mount a broom, and even then, they do not have the magic necessary to bewitch the brooms to fly. Understandably, the Ministry will have concerns about Muggle sightings and the threat of discovery, but life is more important.

    Life -- your life -- is always more important.
  5. Keep your hair short.

    When the zombies rise, the last thing on your head should be vanity (and long locks!). Zombies and Inferi alike are, by nature, grabbers. They shamble about, urged on to move as though they were still alive by some truly sinister magic. They will reach out and grab you however they can, and when they have gotten hold, it is impossible to escape. They have the grip of the dead, immovable and unforgiving.

    Your hair should never be anything that they can use to keep you down. It should never swing wildly during battle or as you escape, because it is always going to be that one thing that will inevitably cost you.
  6. Keep your clothes shorter.

    Similarly, we wizards are too attached to our robes. Over the years, Muggle fashion has progressed to including less and less fabric, until eventually they will likely walk the streets in nothing more than paint on their skin. While I do not recommend going completely bare, there is wisdom to be gleaned from their aversion to loose clothing, as it is likely to catch in the wind, billow away, and fall prey to the grabby undead.

    So wear tighter clothes, but for goodness' sake, avoid baring your skin either! It is high time to discard the robes of our past. Let's all pull on pants, and since we no longer hide anything up our sleeves (besides our wands), let's make sure they don't drape about our wrists or elbows willy-nilly either.
  7. Wands are useful (for the correct spellwork).

    While you cannot defend yourself with your wand, I am by no means claiming you can survive without it! Keep it with you at all times, and make sure to brush up on your spells -- I can guarantee you'll find the oddest, most obscure spells perhaps the most practical in your quest for survival.

    What will truly help is not so much your capacity for spellwork but your ability to think on your feet. Zombies being primarily unknowable creatures -- at least, the studies the Ministry have conducted on them, and we know those exist, have yet to be released to the public -- it is much more difficult to gauge what manner of magic will and will not work on them. For example, while the simplest concealment charms can cloak us from our human enemies, we do not know if zombies hunt by scent or sight or some other sense. Thus, we cannot say whether such charms will be effective. When that happens, you must be able to act creatively and move quickly. Try not to panic. They are slower than us, perhaps you can buy yourself time.

    The important thing, the only thing, is to be always ready.


There are dangers in this world that the Ministry of Magic does not want us to know. There are threats that they have been aware of for many years, but in the so-called interests of "protecting us" they have chosen not to say anything.

But we are not children. We did not elect them into office so that they can decide for us without consulting us first. It is time that we are made aware of, that we are prepared to face the dangers that threaten our children and our lives, so that when the time arrives that the ministry fails -- and they will -- then we are able to protect ourselves.

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Poor Severus would be at a loss without his billowy robes though!!

I really love the reference to more Muggle means of doing things when dealing with zombies. Xenophilius must have really done his research on this one. ;)

HE'S ALREADY ONE OF THEM! :P

Xenophilius is a Claw; of course he did his research. :D

This is amazing. ;P I need to print it out and hang it on my wall. <3

Glad you liked it, thank you! :D <3

This was so much fun - like a page out of the Zombie Survival Guide, only so much better (tailored to wizards). I especially loved the logic of avoiding Apparition and wearing less clothing!

Brilliant, my dear!

Thank you! :D That was the inspiration. :P

"Our first instinct as wizards, when faced with danger, is to Apparate away as soon as we can. Unfortunately, this is a habit we must work to curtail, for it presents us with the risk of fleeing from one place only to arrive at another location that has already been infested."

I love your explanation here! I made up (but that'll only be in the sequel to Morgen früh, wenn Gott will) that the free magic released through apparition (disappearance and re-appearance) draws the undead in like bait. :D

Also, the locks! If Lockhart hadn't lost his mind, I'm sure he'd weeped at the information! <3

Clothes! ♥ *imagines them all dressed like ninjas* :D

For example, while the simplest concealment charms can cloak us from our human enemies, we do not know if zombies hunt by scent or sight or some other sense.
I like the way you think. I'd like to think they can sense the magical core of a person or something like that on top of magic being performed, but that's just me and my plot-devices! ;)

What a great article! Well done! (He should totally offer zombie-apocalypse survival training courses in the adds XD)

Thank you! :D It helped to write through the other story first to figure out what these tips might be, haha. I love the possibilities/potential in having zombies in the magical world--your plot devices sound fantastic! :D

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Re: The Quibbler's Guide To Surviving The Rising

Thank you so much! I love love loved his survival guide, so I wanted to create something that might have been the equivalent in the magical world.

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